30 Day Challenge - Day 5

I'm such a terrible slacker and I know it. It's been nearly a month since I last wrote and that's terrible. I got back from my 3-week vacation and decided that I just didn't want to bother with it. And then that couple of days to myself turned into weeks cleaning and working on our house so that it could be rented out to a brother-in-law by next week and blah blah blah. So, we'll skip all my excuses and move on with the actual challenge for today.

Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life.

Well, let's talk about a dark topic, shall we?

If I were to be brutally honest... Yes. Multiple times. But, I can't, or won't, take your pick, because I am a coward. I can't even bear the thought of hurting myself on purpose for any reason. It would hurt too much, I can't stand the sight of lots of blood or even talk about it sometimes.

When have I felt these moments? Well, due to my odd mix of anxiety and rare spurts of depression, only on rare occasion when I felt I've done something wrong, when my husband and in-laws fight, when I feel at my lowest (which is actually more often than I'd like to admit), etc. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't say rare occasion. I feel depressed several times a month, though I don't think about ending it unless I've gone down as far as I can go.

Besides being a coward, I don't end it because I actually have a lot I want to do with my life. I want to be an author, I want to teach and inspire kids, I want to ride horses on the beach or on our ranch property, I want to travel the world, so on and so forth. I want to do so much, so I wouldn't end it all before I could do any of those things.

Depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide aren't things to take lightly. I know I need help and, as soon as I get on some good health insurance and can afford it, I will find a counselor and a doctor who can help me deal with my problems. Yeah, that probably means taking medication, but if it will help me look at my life a little better, than I'm all for it.
So, if someone in your life is experiencing these thoughts, listen to them. Offer help if they want it, but don't force it. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to listen. For me, that's all I need most of the time is a shoulder to cry on and pat me saying, "It'll be alright. I'm here for you."
If you, yourself, are thinking about ending it, find someone to talk to before you go. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a good place to call or chat online. Google it, there are lots of sites that can be helpful. Heck, send me an email and I'd be glad to talk to you, so long as you keep living for something. Every life is precious.

(AFTERTHOUGHT: Robert Williams died of suicide, and I hadn't thought about it until after I finished this.)

30-Day Challenge - Day 2

Challenge for Day 2: Where would you like to be in 10 years?

Honestly, I haven't even thought about it. I rarely think about what I'm going to be doing in 1 year, let alone 10. Things like that cause my anxiety to spike and the depression hits when I don't realize my goals and blah, blah, blah. So, I try and take things one day at a time so that I can keep myself whole and healthy. But, I do have goals, so this really isn't a stretch.

But, since I'm taking this challenge, I'll give it a try. In 10 years, I'd like to have most (if not all) of my student debt paid off, working at a school where I'll be teaching English (maybe AP if I'm lucky), living in a house we own with my husband, maybe a kid or two (though, maybe just one), playing with my fur-children, and crocheting like a mad woman.

If you haven't watched Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture or haven't read his book (they're about the same, though both good to have), then I urge you to do so. I have read the book many times and watch the video over and over again. I have an entire list of things of things I want to do. I used to have them written down (and still might, just need to find them), and I will eventually get around to them. I want to travel to Europe, live a two story house with a huge yard (which is sorta true as of right now, though it's not ours), own a horse and ride every day, and so much more. I don't think I'll get around to doing those things in 10 years, but that's cool. I don't care when they happen, I just want them to come true one day.

Tomorrow's challenge might be a little hard to complete because I'm headed off to the Ft. Worth Zoo with my nieces and nephew, my Aunt-and-Uncle-in-law and their son, my sister-in-law, and my darling husband. It should be fun, even if we're leaving at 6 in the morning. Woo!

Down, but not out

A while back, I posted that I was taking an exam in Del Rio: The English Language Arts and Reading 7-12 TEXES exam. Remember this little rant? Yeah, that mess of a trip.

Well, I got my results back today, in little less than a month. Awesome, right? Well, I'm glad the results got here within a month, but the actual results themselves? Yeah, those are less than satisfying. I needed 240 points for a passing exam score and I, sadly, only made 231.

"Oh, but Julie, that's not so bad. 9 points away, that's good." Yeah, yeah... It's good alright, but that's not what I was expecting at all. My heart fell to through my chest and I spent the better part of an hour crying. I was crying over a stupid test. Ugh, seriously, this depression and anxiety shit can be a real bother. So much so that right now, I can't even talk about the exam without tearing up. Hell, I can't even think about it too much with wanting to break down and cry like my six year old niece does when she's having a tantrum. But I'm better than that, so I try and shove it all away, you know, to be strong and I tell myself that I can take it again in September.

So, another trip to Del Rio (we have a full sized spare for the Mazda, so no worries there), but we're going to make sure there's a jack in the vehicle. Whatever, I'll manage, right?

Well, I might not if I hadn't made a board on Pinterest called "Needing A Little Pick-Me-Up". It's a fantastic board for me to glance at if I'm feeling down about something (such as this exam), or if my anxiety and depression are attempting to get the better of me. It's full of little pictures and sayings that inspire uplifting and happy thoughts.

For example, the one thing I have going through my mind right now is from my beloved board: "Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo." - Jon Sinclair. It's been mighty helpful so far, and it'll probably be my motto for the next day or so while I take time to accept my scores and seek help applying for my online classes. I'll probably sub this coming school year, while I attempt to study and gather my wits, so that I can study and make a bit of money on the side, since my crochething business isn't moving very fast. (Feel free to check that out, by the way.) I may make a few things in Paint Rock colors and see if anyone wants to buy them. (Maroon and white, Indians)

Thanks for dropping by and reading. :D